I’m changing my middle name to Hussein.
Yes, you heard me. Nicholas Hussein Pisano. Kinda catchy, no? Really rolls off the tongue, so to speak. Why, you ask? Because it’s silly to be afraid of a name. But we all knew this was going to happen. People would look at Barack Hussein Obama and say “OMG TERRORIST!!!!11 IM SERIES!!” But that’s just stupid. Completely expected, especially in a country that voted for George Bush for president not once, but twice (well, probably only once, actually. Those stuck up punks in black robes made him president the first time), but not surprising.
What do you do about it, you ask? He can’t change it. That would be interpreted as a rejection of his roots and a dignification of the whispering campaign against him. No, that won’t do. Stop using it, and lash out at people who do? Once again, no good. But then it came to me.
We have to get as many people as we can to change their middle names to Hussein.
How about it, Gruberama Readers? You’re a savvy bunch, on the cutting edge. You don’t want to be left behind when this bandwagon leaves the station, I’ll tell you that much.
But seriously. It’s just a name, and like everything, loses it’s power over time. I’m sure people almost had heart attacks when the first toilet was shown on television (on ‘Leave it to Beaver’ episode entitled “Captain Jack”, first aired Oct. 11, 1957). But they got used to it. Probably a bad analogy. But regardless. If people keep saying ‘Barack Hussein Obama’, by the time it actually counts in November, it won’t matter anymore. By that point, anyone still unwilling to vote for Sen. Barack Hussein Obama wouldn’t have voted for any Democrat anyway. And what do we call those people, class? Ignorant, backwards hicks who hate gay people and freedom!
No, but seriously. Republicans. Take some time off. Rethink things a bit. Or perhaps think things, as there may be no thoughts in your head to re-think. The Republican party is going the way of the Whigs. I’d jump off that sinking ship before it’s too late and call yourself an “independent” or “libertarian”.
Speaking of Libertarians. If you’re a libertarian, I want you to do something for me. Go outside, walk to the nearest main road and throw yourself in front of a bus, you idiot. Libertarianism an inherently selfish and irresponsible set of principles. While socially it may be appealing to some (or most) of we liberals, economically, it could not be farther from desirable. They basically eschew any responsibilities people might have to others in favor of "letting the free market handle it". In other words, let’s let Exxon regulate themselves. Walmart and them and all the other big corporations will eat in to their bottom line voluntarily to provide a living wage, benefits, and an 8 hour work day. Laughing yet? Me neither, it’s a terrifying idea. Social security? Who needs it? Welfare? Get a job, you lazy bastard. And while we’re at it let’s close vital cabinet level departments. These are the opinions espoused by the Libertarian party and their number one stooge, Dr. Ron Paul. Oh yes, and Dr. Paul wants to return to an economy-crushing Gold standard backed dollar. Good one, Dr. Paul. I’ll be over tomorrow with the tools so you can start mining for it.
Crazy, isn’t it? Now you understand, if you’ve ever said to me you liked something about Ron Paul, why I gave you that look. You know, the “you’ve got to be fucking with me” look. But you never are. And I have to explain what I said above, and am greeted by a blank deer-in-headlights response and mumblings in the affirmative.
Ugh. Libertarians.
Over and out,
Nicholas Hussein Pisano.
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